How to fool your golden years

By The Hammer

Well, this is quite a science for me. So let me break this down……..

First, wear a black colour turban – that takes care of the top of your head that will always be and is meant to be, forever black.

I am not suggesting you change your religion because I can’t. You see, Sikhism is not a proselytising religion and proselytism is discouraged, out of the belief that each person has a fundamental right to practice their religion freely.

Having a “black” looking head does wonders to one’s permanent youthful pate and poise; imagine the hundred of thousands you save on barber’s bills in your lifetime. Not to mention escape from all those barber-voodoo wrestler-level neck spins that result in spondylitic scares.

Not known to many, as it is covered under the Official Sikh Act (OSA), turbans cure baldness.

Hiding one’s age is about covering up; you’ll never be able to tell how old a lady is if she is in a full hijab, unless you believe the eyes are the window to the soul. In which case, I suggest doll lash mascara and I am told violet-venom coloured contacts instantly brushes off any hint of agedness. Black hijab recommended at all times.

I think you are getting the picture now, it is about blanketing the surface area of your face… clever boy…

Next, get a pair of glasses, powered or non-powered boleh, vanity has no boundaries.

Glasses, larger the better, can cover quite a bit of surface skin. Tint is a must, the Rayban larger-than-your-face Explorer series is a winner by far. But the lesser affluent of us can opt for Photogrey lenses that instantly darken in the sunlight, giving you a false Tom Cruise look in the sun.

Hey, how you feel about yourself is just as important!

Try to avoid the clip-on mirrored or reflective sunglasses; because while they give you sun and legal protection for the voyeur in you at public beaches, they unfortunately also draw attention to you which is a no-no when your face is designed to be in stealth mode.

Now, as far as crow’s feet go, ensure your glasses have a thick temple (those long arms on the sides of the frame that extend from the hinge and over the ears) and of opaque design. No more crows, only good looking birds.

Finally, if you are a man, grow a full bread and moustache – this key tip takes care of half the surface span of your mug and neck. I repeat neck, where the tell-tale creases will camouflage themselves in the lushness of your weekly jet-black dyed follicular bush. Key charm offensive tool: keep all bristles neatly in check.

When dyeing, don’t miss the eye brows; the ultimate macho virtue signal.

Now, all these helpful tips can also be personally demonstrated by your loyal Friday scribe, but by appointment only.

Yesterday I found out the best way to hide your tummy is to wear your T-shirt the wrong way round.

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This article was first published on MARKETING Weekender


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