Top 10 ways to improve ad industry morale

BY BOB HOFFMAN

The New York Times had one of those pieces sometime back that makes you think maybe your Uncle Henry was right when he said you should be a plumbing supply wholesaler.

The title of the piece was An Ad Agency Crowdsources Its Own Employees’ Morale.

The story, in a nutshell, goes like this….

A New York ad agency put in a suggestion box and ran a contest giving its employees some money for coming up with ideas for improving morale, particularly among their precious millennials.

Apparently, these poor sods need to have their morale hugged and pedicured or they’ll take their yoga mats and go back home.

There are so many things wrong with this story that I don’t even know where to start.

First of all, when did a suggestion box become a ‘crowd-sourcing’? 

Was it when any lump of techno-garbage became ‘user friendly’?

When everything that didn’t come in a plastic bag became ‘artisanal’?

Or when any piece of crap that didn’t necessitate the slaughtering of whales became ‘sustainable’? But I digress….

According to The Times, here’s what won the contest …

“…. turning over to employees about 4,500 square feet of space on the sixth floor of the agency’s New York headquarters, which they can use, individually and in groups, for personal, creative projects.”

In other words, a playpen for the kindergarteners to do their finger painting.

Here’s a person-sourced idea.

If you have 4,500 square feet of space sitting around in the middle of New York City gathering nothing but climate change, how about turning it over to some poor slobs who really need it?

Or is that morale-building enough for these effete narcissists? 

Okay, deep breath here.

Well, anyway, you know me. I’m here to help.

So, as a service to those who are worried about morale in the advertising business, I have developed The Top 10 Ways to Improve Ad Industry Morale:

1. Every PowerPoint slide must be written in French and contain either a rainbow or one princess
2. Speakers at digital media conferences are required to dress as their favourite Spice Girl
3. Move the Cannes Festival of Creativity to Winnipeg
4. Do a switch – put time sheets in the bathroom and toilet paper in HR dept
5. Before being hired by an agency, candidates for the job of Social Media Director must say the word ‘ecosystem’ continuously until they throw up
6. Criminalise webinars
7. Change everything that’s global to worldwide, and, of course, everything worldwide to global
8. New FCC regulation: All truck ads must feature at least one ballerina
9. At the opening of annual 4As Management Conference, Sir Martin Sorrell is required to sing “Knock Three Times”

10. Upgrade E-mail to F-mail

If those ideas don’t improve morale among millennials, I don’t know what will.

Maybe a paycheck every two weeks, and a health plan, and a retirement plan, and someplace to drag their sorry asses every morning. 

If that doesn’t motivate these powder puffs, they can jump on their fixies and go back to Brooklyn.

.

Bob Hoffman has been called “The most provocative man in advertising”.
In his book, Laughing@Advertising, he is out to disrupt the disruptors – those sombre, imperious souls who’ve made marketing and advertising such an earnest and humourless endeavour. It is on sale now at Amazon and only available in paperback. There’s no ebook, he says, because pixels aren’t funny.

An afternoon of conversations we never had, with leaders most of you never met.

Discover what’s possible from those who made it possible. Plus a preview of The HAM Agency Rankings REPORT 2024.

Limited seats: [email protected]

BOOK SEATS NOW